Why you need to stop seeking perfection right now.
And what to aim for instead
Five years ago, I made a mistake in one of my performances.
I fell out of a turn–a turn that made up only two seconds of a two-and-a-half hour performance–and my entire performance was a disaster in my eyes. I fixated on my mistake that night, trying to figure out where I went wrong. I practiced the turn before the performance the next day, determined to get it right. But I fell out of it again. And again. And again.
I kept analysing each performance, but the more I obsessed, the worst each performance got. I remember feeling deep shame, frustration, embarrassment, and thinking I was a complete failure who didn’t deserve to be there.
This is the ugly side of perfectionism.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is characterised by the need to be or appear perfect. Research has shown that perfectionists paradoxically achieve less than their peers, because they often avoid situations that can result in failure, undoubtedly stunting their growth and success. It isn’t about working hard, but rather a self-defeated way of thinking.
Perfectionists will set impossibly high standards for themselves, then beat themselves up for not living up to them. Perfectionism is really a smoke signal showing us what our deepest fears and insecurities are.
This study found significant increases in perfectionism across generations among recent graduates from the UK, US and Canada, from 1989 to 2016, showing that perfectionism is becoming an epidemic. Children today face not only pressure from parents, teachers and society, but also social media, which leads to comparison, competition, and the illusion that others are doing or achieving more.
In a previous article, I mentioned that perfectionism is linked to a host of issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, burnout, and suicide. Some researches have distinguished between adaptive perfectionism, which is described as healthy striving, versus maladaptive perfectionism, which is the “unhealthy” version, where your best never feels good enough.
The biggest problem with perfectionists is that their sense of self-worth is intertwined with their performance. If they don’t reach their goals, they feel as though they aren’t good enough and take it as a personal failing. They lack self-compassion, which is an important trait in combating depression and anxiety. Perfectionists often have an inner voice that tears them apart for every perceived failure.
The reality is that performers face constant competition and there is no doubt that goal setting and a good work ethic are important for achieving success in this industry. So how can performers achieve their goals without falling into the trap of perfectionism?
Optimal Performance
I believe that optimal performance is what we should aim for.
Optimal performance is the very best we can deliver at every moment–physically, mentally and spiritually. It is an ever-evolving state and is different for each person.
Optimal performance is about reaching our highest potential and is a much healthier approach to achieving our goals. This is because it is less focused on outward validation and focused on becoming the highest version of ourselves, regardless of an external outcome. When we focus our attention on becoming our best selves, we naturally achieve more.
The difference between perfectionism and optimal performance
Perfectionists tend to have a fixed mindset, where they see their abilities and talents as static. Optimal performers tend to have a growth mindset, where they see the potential to build upon their talents.
Perfectionists are highly critical of themselves, and often have a harsh inner voice, beating them down for making mistakes. Optimal performers will practice self-compassion when they make a mistake, seeing it as a learning opportunity.
Optimal performers are motivated by a desire to reach their goals, while perfectionists are motivated by their fear of failure.
Optimal performers learn to enjoy the process, but perfectionists feel like they can only be happy once they reach their destination.
Perfectionists often procrastinate, paralysed by their fear of failure. Optimal performers are more productive, because they feel and look their best.
Perfectionists tend to have low self-esteem, while optimal performers usually have high self-esteem.
How can we move away from perfectionism and toward optimal performance?
Self-Compassion is key
Learning to be aware of the inner critic and replacing phrases like “I am not good enough” with “I have not achieved my goal yet, but I am getting closer every day,” is important in moving away from perfectionism. We cannot change something until we are aware of it.
Once we are aware of the ways we speak to ourselves, we can introduce kinder self-talk.
What you focus on grows
Learn to stop obsessing over outcomes, and instead, focus on what you can control: you.
You can’t control whether you achieve a certain goal, but you can make a commitment to yourself to show up every day consistently being the best you can be–physically, mentally and spiritually.
Know that you are enough, just as you are–regardless of how productive you are.
